I hope that they will inspire you to smile, and learn to bend with the winds that blow in your own life.
Garry Mattox
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The Great "Liberty" Sting
As a young enlisted man in the Navy, I was fortunate enough to travel the world. Each new port that we visited allowed us to experience another unknown culture and people. As ambassadors of the United States while overseas, the Navy expected us to portray a positive image to our overseas neighbors. Our hair, clothes, shoes, and the way we acted were under daily scrutiny. Sailors cannot leave the ship for liberty if any of these elements did not satisfy the "Officer of the Deck."
When the ship docked in Singapore, the excitement about visiting this strange and beautiful land was everywhere. As I was about to leave the ship, the officer of the deck said, "Go get a haircut before you leave!" I told him that the barber had already left the ship. He told me that if I did not get a haircut, that I could not leave the ship.
Frustrated, I concocted a grand plan to fool the officer into letting me off the ship. I knew that many people were leaving the ship at the same time, and that the officer was very busy. I shined my shoes up like glass and made my way back to the quarterdeck and the Officer.
"Are my shoes shiny enough for you now, sir?", I said.
"Sure, sure, go on liberty," he responded.
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The "Plum-Tooth" Fairy
Losing his first baby tooth was very traumatic for my young son. The tales of a "Tooth-Fairy" bringing money for baby teeth so intrigued him that he would constantly wiggle the tooth back and forth hoping to dislodge it. His mother told him to eat a piece of fruit with the hopes that the tooth might come out while biting it. As he began eating a plum, a very disgusted expression came over his face. The plum was extremely sour. His mother told him, "Don’t throw it away, give it to your dad. He loves sour plums."
As I proceeded to eat the plum, I heard a loud cry from my son. He had realized that his tooth had come out and that he had lost it. We all searched for the tooth but to no avail. We assured him that the tooth fairy would know that his tooth had fallen out and that she would leave him some money for it anyway.
Later, as my wife and I pondered the mystery of the lost tooth, we understood what had happened. When my son bit into the sour plum, his tooth had come out and lodged in the fruit. When he gave the plum to me, I ate it, and unknowingly, the tooth still lodged inside...
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The Great "Food Dye" Fiasco
A freshly fallen snow is a great enticement for young people. However, making snow angels and snowmen was getting boring. My wife suggested that the kids take an empty hairspray bottle, fill it with water and yellow food dye, and spray paint pictures in the snow. My son decided to give it a try. By mistake, he took a full bottle of hairspray and mixed in yellow food dye for painting. The kids painted and played in the snow for hours. However, when they finished playing outside, they forgot to throw the bottle with the yellow dye away.
My wife unknowingly picked the hairspray bottle up off the stairs and put it back in the bathroom cabinet. The next morning as I was preparing for work, I showered, shaved, and combed my hair. As my hair is very thin, I typically add a little hair spray to keep it in place all day. I reached for the hairspray under the sink and sprayed it generously all over my head.
To my amazement, when I looked in the mirror, the top of my head was bright canary yellow. My eyes got so big that I looked like two cooked eggs. I rushed out of the room and showed my wife, expecting sympathy. She laughed so hard at my predicament, that I finally started laughing as well. Luckily, when I jumped back in the shower and re-shampooed my hair, the dye came off my head. Yellow is not my best color...
As a young enlisted man in the Navy, I was fortunate enough to travel the world. Each new port that we visited allowed us to experience another unknown culture and people. As ambassadors of the United States while overseas, the Navy expected us to portray a positive image to our overseas neighbors. Our hair, clothes, shoes, and the way we acted were under daily scrutiny. Sailors cannot leave the ship for liberty if any of these elements did not satisfy the "Officer of the Deck."
When the ship docked in Singapore, the excitement about visiting this strange and beautiful land was everywhere. As I was about to leave the ship, the officer of the deck said, "Go get a haircut before you leave!" I told him that the barber had already left the ship. He told me that if I did not get a haircut, that I could not leave the ship.
Frustrated, I concocted a grand plan to fool the officer into letting me off the ship. I knew that many people were leaving the ship at the same time, and that the officer was very busy. I shined my shoes up like glass and made my way back to the quarterdeck and the Officer.
"Are my shoes shiny enough for you now, sir?", I said.
"Sure, sure, go on liberty," he responded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The "Plum-Tooth" Fairy
Losing his first baby tooth was very traumatic for my young son. The tales of a "Tooth-Fairy" bringing money for baby teeth so intrigued him that he would constantly wiggle the tooth back and forth hoping to dislodge it. His mother told him to eat a piece of fruit with the hopes that the tooth might come out while biting it. As he began eating a plum, a very disgusted expression came over his face. The plum was extremely sour. His mother told him, "Don’t throw it away, give it to your dad. He loves sour plums."
As I proceeded to eat the plum, I heard a loud cry from my son. He had realized that his tooth had come out and that he had lost it. We all searched for the tooth but to no avail. We assured him that the tooth fairy would know that his tooth had fallen out and that she would leave him some money for it anyway.
Later, as my wife and I pondered the mystery of the lost tooth, we understood what had happened. When my son bit into the sour plum, his tooth had come out and lodged in the fruit. When he gave the plum to me, I ate it, and unknowingly, the tooth still lodged inside...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Great "Food Dye" Fiasco
A freshly fallen snow is a great enticement for young people. However, making snow angels and snowmen was getting boring. My wife suggested that the kids take an empty hairspray bottle, fill it with water and yellow food dye, and spray paint pictures in the snow. My son decided to give it a try. By mistake, he took a full bottle of hairspray and mixed in yellow food dye for painting. The kids painted and played in the snow for hours. However, when they finished playing outside, they forgot to throw the bottle with the yellow dye away.
My wife unknowingly picked the hairspray bottle up off the stairs and put it back in the bathroom cabinet. The next morning as I was preparing for work, I showered, shaved, and combed my hair. As my hair is very thin, I typically add a little hair spray to keep it in place all day. I reached for the hairspray under the sink and sprayed it generously all over my head.
To my amazement, when I looked in the mirror, the top of my head was bright canary yellow. My eyes got so big that I looked like two cooked eggs. I rushed out of the room and showed my wife, expecting sympathy. She laughed so hard at my predicament, that I finally started laughing as well. Luckily, when I jumped back in the shower and re-shampooed my hair, the dye came off my head. Yellow is not my best color...
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