A summary of my Favorite Posts from "My Life is Average"...

I noticed that there was a warning on my bag of marshmallows: "choke hazard: eat only one at a time." Feeling rebellious, I stuffed two marshmallows into my mouth at once. I nearly choked. That's the last time I live life on the edge...

While handing out candy on Halloween, I noticed two kids dressed as "big hands" bumping each other as a high five; kids dressed as crayons were chasing kids dressed as paper; and a kid dressed as a priest was slapping a kid dressed as the devil with his Bible saying, "The power of Christ compels you"... I love Halloween.

Friday, I went through the McD's drive-through and ordered a #3 with a cinnamelt. I realized I did not have enough money for the cinnamelt, so I quickly drove out of line and pulled in a parking spot by the door. I tried to look puzzled as to what to order. I'll take a #3. The man proceeded to hand me a bag and said, "There's a cinnamelt in there for you, too. Some jerk just drove off after ordering.

Last night I noticed that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it. I need to get out more...

On the way to work this morning, I heard on the radio that, in a town in Ohio, it's illegal to walk down the street backwards while eating a donut. Now I really want to know what happened to make such a law necessary.

I recently checked out a book at the library on how to improve my memory. Unfortunately, I can't remember where I put it.

While visiting a neighbor's home, I watched their cat fall off the couch and it did NOT land on its feet. I feel like I've been lied to my whole life now.

Yesterday, when a telemarketer called and asked to speak to the head of the household, I began saying, "No comprendo". He told me to hold on. After waiting a few seconds, a Spanish woman was put on the line. She began speaking, and after a few words I started saying "I can't understand you!” T...he line went silent and a different English speaking man was put on the line. I got them to switch 4 times. Am I bad?

My wife found 7 bucks in her winter coat pocket that she must have left in there from last winter. Hoping I would be just as lucky, I decided to pull out my winter coat from my closet to see what hidden treasures lay inside. I found a spoon.

I used a Facebook application that told me the statistics about my friends. It said that 60% of my friends are female and 38% are male. I'm still wondering about that 2%.

While eating M&M's I found a purple M&M in my bag. I'm onto you, red and blue.

I was listening to music on my computer and thought I smelled my daughter cooking brownies. I wasn't sure, so I turned the volume down. I still don't know why I did that.

I was at Costco with my wife shopping for groceries. I was in the mood for Naked brand orange juice, so I turned to Sue and said, very loudly and casually, "Honey, can we get Naked?" I have never heard Costco shoppers fall silent so quickly.

I received a Canadian nickel in change from the Coke machine. It was the same nickel I put into it three days earlier to get rid of money I can't use while cleverly tricking the machine. Touché, Coke machine. Touché.

How to Wash a Toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you

1.. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

The Real Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers

Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 at age 76 , which is odd, because he always looked like he was 76. (DOB: 6/27/27 ) The following story has been around for awhile, but it is still a good one.

Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3- and 4-star generals at Arlington National Cemetery. His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else.

Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer:I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences. In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces, often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima. There is only one higher Naval award... The Medal Of Honor!

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.Dialog from 'The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson': His guest was Lee Marvin.

Johnny said,

'Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ..and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded.

'Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting' shot hauling you down. But, Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison.. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life. That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, 'Where'd they get you Lee?' 'Well Bob... If you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!' Johnny. I'm not lying; Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew.

The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo.'

On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PB S, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.

After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and, therefore, a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human, and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life, he hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did; they quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy. Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst. Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened. Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr. Rogers.

It's a God Thing...

Sometimes when we see those around us in need, crying out for mercy, or love, or even just a helping hand, we turn the other way and pretend not to notice. It makes us feel uncomfortable.

My 18 year old daughter (Lisa) had recently started a job at Home Depot as a cashier. Saturday morning she had to go to work early. When she got to work, she realized that she would be working outside in the nursery department at Home Depot. She called me (early on MY Saturday morning), and asked if I would come down and bring her coat, and a Starbucks coffee.

Naturally, I grumbled. Saturday morning was my day to sleep in, relax, read the paper, etc.

Ultimately, I felt a need to get out of bed, get dressed, and drag myself to Starbucks to get my daughter's coffee (she was cold and needed my help).

There was long line in front of me at the coffee shop, but I waited patiently for my turn. I noticed that the guy waiting in front of me had a shaved head, multiple tattoos, and was shabbily dressed. His appearance made me feel a little uncomfortable, but I didn't think much more about it.

When I finally ordered my daughter's coffee, and was ready to pay, the clerk said that "the coffee was already paid for". She said, "Consider it a blessing".

I'm sure I must have made a strange face, as the guy with the tattoos (waiting on his coffee order) just smiled.

What the clerk did not tell me was that this disturbing-looking tattoo guy had paid for his coffee AND the coffee for the next two people in line. He instructed the clerk to not say anything. I watched the next lady in line after me order her coffee. She got the same message from the clerk, and made the same happy, puzzled look.

Ultimately, both of us realized that the tattooed man in front of us had given us this gift, and we thanked him. He was not looking for thanks, just the happiness he saw on our faces as we received his random gift from his heart.

When the tattoo man left, the lady and I discussed our experience. When I told her "the rest of the story" about my daughter, she started to cry. She said that in this small act, God had helped renew her own faith.

As I see it, by getting out of bed and driving over to Starbucks to help out my daughter, God PUT me in line behind this tattooed man, and gave me the gift ( of free coffee) for helping those in need.

Was this just an amazing coincidence? I don't think so!

I believe that when we consciously decide to help someone else (even when it hurts to do so), that God will reward you and others in beautiful and wonderful ways. God IS alive and well in our communities today.

Although this was just a small thing, I believe that this was truly a "God" thing...

Please send me your own "It's a God Thing" stories, so we can share and inspire each other.

Feng Shui Tip #3-The Bedroom

Your bedroom is your ultimate inner sanctum where you are at your most vulnerable while you sleep and recharge your chi. From a yin/yang perspective, this is a more yin, quiet and peaceful environment; you need to feel protected and do not want distracting and powerful chi to disturb you. At the same time, there needs to be a good circulation of chi and plenty of fresh air available to recharge you.

If you find that you are not sleeping very well, or you are having trouble focusing in school or work, try these minor Feng Shui remedies in your bedroom:

• On entering your bedroom, note where the windows are located. Chi tends to travel between the door and any windows rapidly, so avoid positioning your headboard in line with this “draught” of chi. If your headboard is in line with this wall, you will not be able to sleep as well, or focus as clearly during the day.
• Avoid positioning your bed with the foot facing the door. This is referred to as the “Death position”. Years ago, people typically died in their homes, and the custom was to always be carried out “feet first”.
• If you have a bathroom, toilet or shower leading off your bedroom, make sure that the door to this room is always closed, as is the toilet seat. Bathrooms are unlucky spaces in the home because as water flows away from the room (sink and toilet) so does your luck.
• If there is a TV in your bedroom, cover it with a towel before going to sleep (to stop the electrical waves eminating from it). These disturb your sleep.

Side note:

• If you are single and would like to attract someone of the opposite sex into your life, try hanging a picture of a mountain in your bedroom. You can also place a male sculpture (to attract men) or a female sculpture (to attract women) in your bedroom.

Feng Shui Tip #2

The most auspicious (lucky) number in Feng Shui is the number 9.

Here is a cure to help your house become as lucky as it can be.

Add all of the numbers in your address (EX: 404=4+0+4=8). If your address adds up to anything less than 9, figure out what number you would need to add to your address to equal 9.

Using clear nail polish, add on this new number to the end of your address sign (outside-half size). No one will be able to see the number, but your house will know that it is now the luckiest it can be.

PS: Don't do this when your neighbors can see you (ha.ha)

Simple Feng Shui Cures

As some of you may or may not know, one of my passions in life is Feng Shui.

Feng Shui literally means "wind and water." Pronounced "fung shway" or "fung shoi" (but often mispronounced in English as "feng shu-i"), Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with the environment. The practice is estimated to be more than three thousand years old.

Whether or not we can improve our love life, health, finances, etc., by simply moving something around our home, or painting a room a particular color, remains to be seen. However, as long as it doesn’t cost anything, what harm is there in trying?

Occasionally, I will offer you some basic cures for improving your lot in life.

Let’s start with one area near and dear to all of us: MONEY.

Try this…Stack nine cents in the southeast corner of your home (the money section). Also move or buy a small jade or bamboo plant, and place it in this southeast section of your home. That’s it. Theoretically, within a few days, you should receive some unexpected financial windfall. Not a fortune, but found money. Let me know if this cure is successful for you.

My next cure will bring good fortune to your home, simply with a bottle of clear nail polish.