More of my favorite "My Life is Average" Stories

One day I found my grandson staring at a pair of my Father's false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, he merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"...

While shopping at Target, I noticed that they had placed the lingerie next to the maternity clothing. It's good to know at least Target is planning ahead...

Last night we ordered a pizza. As the pizza delivery guy handed me the pizza, he said, "Mmmm, that smells delicious!" Accidentally, I said, "You too." It was awkward...

As a parent and a grandparent, I now completely understand why the aspirin bottle says: "For tension headaches, take two and keep away from the children."

I was having problems assembling our new computer system, so I called the Help Desk. The man on the phone started talking in computer jargon, which confused me even more. I asked him to please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old. He said, "Ok. Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"...

Note to Self: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night...

I was recently startled out of a deep sleep because I thought I are falling. When I realised that I wasn't falling, I sighed in relief. Then I rolled over, and fell out of bed...

My Grandson Dash got lots of new toys for Christmas. However, he still has a simpler taste in life...

Last night, my wife made chicken breasts for dinner. My senior citizen father thought they were large and asked my wife "Where did you get those big breasts?" Sue told him "I bought them." They saw nothing wrong with this conversation...

When my daughter was a baby, she once farted so loud that she scared herself and started crying. She wasn't very courageous as an infant...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?

I still don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the LAST thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon...

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?". Then it hits me...

My Grandson watches way too much TV. While napping on the couch, I was suddenly awakened by "Dora the Explorer". Dora was screaming "HONK, HONK,HONK." When I opened my eyes she said,"Great job, we woke up the sleeping whale!" I couldn't help but be offended by her harsh comment...

As I remember back to some of the "unique" gifts that I have bought Sue for Valentine's Day over the years, my most vivid memory was the year I bought her a "mood ring". When she was in a GOOD mood it turned green. When she was in a BAD mood, it left a red mark on my forehead...

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I decided to start exercising. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my exercise clothes on, I was totally exhausted...

I was eating a Dove chocolate with an inspirational message inside. As I was getting ready to bite into the candy, I read the message. "Kick a bad habit for the day". I looked at my chocolate. I don't feel this is a good marketing strategy...

We recently had very cold temperatures, snow and ice. My TV signal was only picking up a few channels. The Food Network, and reruns of the Golden Girls. I feel like the universe knows what's important...

Sue's reason for buying plastic cups was so she didn't have to wash them all the time. Well today, I saw her washing the plastic cups. Her reason: she didn't want to waste them...

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends... If they seem OK, then you're the one...

I told my Wife that we will be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends...

Have. You. Ever. Noticed. That. When. Something. Is. Typed. Like. This. The. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses?

I went to McDonald's for lunch today, and I was standing in line behind an elderly couple. I thought nothing of them until one of the employees handed them both a happy meal. As they were both walking away I heard the wife say, "They better have my toy in here this time." I love old people...

While eating at PF Changs recently, I was eating two fortune cookies. The first fortune said " You are one of the people who goes places in life. " The second said " Ignore Previous Cookie." I've officially been insulted by a cookie...

I woke up before my alarm this morning to find that all I could see was white. I began to panic, thinking I had gone blind. Then I realized, I was just too close to my wall...

My little grandson watches WAY too much TV. I asked him what sound a duck makes and he said,"Aflac!"

My wife recently found herself stuck in the snow in her minivan. She tried everything to free the car including rocking it back and forth, putting salt in front of the tires, etc. Some neighbors even stopped to help dig her out. She was getting very frustrated until she looked down and realized that she had never released the emergency brake. I'll never tell dear...

I saw this prayer on one of my Facebook friends page-"Dear God...All I ask for in 2011 is a big fat bank account and a slim body...Please don't mix it up like You did last year...Amen"

While going into Kohl's, an elderly woman swore at me for not holding a door open for her. The door was automatic...

This morning, when I got into my car to leave for work, I had a panic attack when I saw that my gas gauge was on empty. Then I remembered that I hadn't started the car yet...

My young grandson was recently visiting for Christmas. On one occasion, he asked me where babies come from. I was later informed by his parents that telling him that they come from vending machines was not the politically correct answer...

Is it me, or have New Year's Eve party games gotten more tame with age? Here are a few of the games we played to help stay awake: Musical Recliners, Spin the Bottle of Mylanta, Hide and Go Pee, Simon Says Something Incoherent, Doc, Doc Goose, Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over, Kick the Bucket, 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear, Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy, and...Sag, You're It!

You never know who or what you may encounter at Walmart. Recently, we came upon 3 monks there. I dont know which is more weird; Sue thinking they were just some bald guys in orange snuggies, or that they all came out of a Mustang...

While I was sitting in the parking lot at Safeway, a man in his 60's riding in a shopping cart rolls past, and his wife was chasing after him yelling, "NO ICE CREAM FOR YOU TONIGHT!" Oh, young love...

My favorite Christmas gift growing up was The Duncan "Yo" -- Goes down, never comes back up. However, it did teach me a great lesson about warranties. At least it was better than the the "Learn About Puberty Chia Pet" I got the next year...